I wish

I wish I can help you. I wish I could help guide you to where you want to be. I wish life was more simple. I wish that being 25 and new to the world wasn’t so scary. I wish life wasn’t so scary. I wish I could help you, because to me you’re awesome, to me you’re a star, to me you’re it, all of it. I wish I could tell you this, and I wish if you knew this, that would let me take your hand and let me walk life with you. But life isn’t so easy for those whose life is at a pause. Me? I’m stuck, I don’t have it all figured out, I have strict morals and a picky heart. I complain about college almost everyday,  I am surrounded by people 5 years younger than me, and my biggest fear in life is failing. Failing because I quit. Failing because I gave up. I’ve thought about giving up almost every week. I ask myself “am I doing the right thing” and then convince myself to keep going, because I’ve been at it too long. Sometimes I wonder if people hate me because I have the attitude of a grad student, but a label that is like a clock stuck at the same time because the battery died. I know how to jump through my professors hoops, and most of the time do well. Every Once in awhile I find a hoop that is way to high and I trip and fall and slam my face on the ground, which is why I complain about college to begin with. I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I want to quit, but I just can’t so I won’t. Point is, that I’m stuck, but I’m not paused. I see you, I see your awesomeness, your talent, and I silently stare. I could stare at you for hours, this isn’t” time to pick a cliche line game”, this is how I feel, this is what I do. Though I could go on about how much I would love to love you. How much I would love to cook you 3 meals a day. How much I want to be the one to make you feel happy when you’re sad, or work hard to make you feel better when you’re sick. That is what I want to be. But those are just thoughts that seem so far from being reality. Truth is I want something so much more then that. I want to see you fly. I want to see you doing something you love. You deserve it, So how do I help? How do I make my wish come true? Even if I remain your friend down the street, can I at least be the friend that helps you get back on your feet?  Because I wish I could help you, I wish I could be your traveling partner in life. I wish to take your hand and run through a field of time, showing you that you can do anything. You can do anything, and I want to show you, you can. So friend, do you understand? I wish I can help you.

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What are we waiting for?

What are you waiting for? I’m clearly not thinking straight, my heart is pounding, my hands are shaking. I’m nervous, my breathing is speeding up, and the sudden urge to stop looking in your eyes and kiss you is high. So what are you waiting for? Don’t be so shy with me. Don’t be so kind. Don’t tease me this way. It’s not fair for the both of us. This playing tag needs to stop. Grab my hand, and drag me into a field. Let us run under the sky, the stars dancing above us. The moon our only source of light. The trees dancing in the wind. The grass covering our legs. I want you to hold my hips and dance to the tune of the crickets. I want you to brush my hair out of my face, and tell me i’m beautiful. I want you to show me, that you love me as much as you say you do. This whole world is for us to explore so, make me explore it with you. I don’t want to live this life without you by my side, cause you showed me how to love like I never have loved before. Heaven is a place on earth when you love me. So hold me, kiss me, stare at me. What are you waiting for? Show me I’m yours. Tell me I’m yours. Call me yours. This isn’t something wild and impure. Just show me you love me. Prove to me you care. I’ve been hurt before, but you put bandages and healed my scrapes. You tended to my wounds, and made my bruises disappear. Can we swim under the sea, holding hands? Can we climb the tallest trees and see the world under us?  Can we lay in the grass and speak about our past? Can we go on top of the tallest mountain and scream we’re the king and queen of the world? What are you waiting for? I want to experience this world with you by my side. I want to live life with my hand in yours. I want my heart beating next to yours. I want my breath to sync up to yours. What are we waiting for?

You and Me

Once I had a thought, it was a sad thought, the ones you wish would go away but they keep growing, and growing deep inside your mind, a large tree like thought. I was feeling sad cause this thought took over my emotions, took over my being and even though I was surrounded by a joyous crowd, I felt lonely, alone and so bitter. In this thought you flew away, far far away. In some distant state or city that didn’t make since to drive to. I shouldn’t feel like this, I shouldn’t feel like you abandon me, I shouldn’t feel like it was the end of you and I. There wasn’t ever you and I. There was just you and me, not you and I. You and I are what couples, married duets or engaged folks call themselves. You and me are two friends, two convertibles driving along the road and occasionally, while passing each other, we smile and give a wave, and sometimes have a race who can get farther along the road. While you pass me up, I slow down and eventually stop, cause I want to call us “you and I”. I want to tell people “you and I” are happy and “You and me” is just a distant thought. So You, perfect You, Please don’t go to a far away place, because Me will be so sad, and Me doesn’t want to be sad. Cause all Me wants is the chance to be You and I, but You need to let me be I. So Let me be I, You.

The boy by the lake.

I write lots of stories, here’s a short passage from one of them. The main Character Elizabeth is suicidal and has been for most of her teenage life. Now 27 years old she’s reliving her dark past and is hit with depression once more, making her suicidal again. She’s talking to a man named Patrick who is silently in love with her, she talks about what stopped her from jumping off the brooklyn bridge when she was a teen, and why she was scared to take her life back then. Now that she’s an adult and has been faced with a lot of life threatening situations, she’s definitely not so scared anymore, and after a bad break up happened with the love of her life, David, she’s reminding herself of a dream.

The Boy from the Lake

She would look at the sky, her hazel green eyes fixated on the stars, almost in a trance, like she wasn’t really looking at them. “I, I want to die” she says motionless, laying herself on her back, placing her hands in a x shape on her chest, like she was in a casket, closing her eyes, still motionless, lost. She was still dripping wet, as the water fell from her soaked clothing and body, it made a stain on the wooden pier, that was closely around where she laid. She would mumble in a daze ” I…”, she would hesitate, as she is reminded of visions that came to her in her sleep “I had this dream once, I was a doctor, and my job had put me in a situation that required me to go to a car accident, that was the cause of many deaths and injuries” she paused for a second, her eyes still closed.  “The car had slid off of a bridge and fell off into a cold frozen lake, filled with small ice chunks drifting on the surface, the screaming scared passengers breaking the cold thick air. Other cars were involved as well, flipped over and slammed against each other. I guess I was to save them” she said emotionless.  “But this kid, he stood there for a second looking at me strangely, like I was to go to him, and then suddenly he jumped into the water, falling into the cold, frozen hell it was. I ran after him”. She would open her eyes still lost in a dream, “but he disappeared from the water!” she would say feeling tricked by the boy. “Like my mind created him so that I would fall in murky dark bitter cold water, and I did, the cold water shocking my every inch, freezing me whole, it felt like needles of ice stabbing my body, inch by inch, and yet, I had to kick, and I did, or at least I tried. I was almost to the top, but I stop. I stopped kicking. I stop fighting. I wanted to swim, but I couldn’t. I was frozen not only physically but emotionally. I saw myself in the deep ocean, covered in blue, surrounded by chaos. I would let myself drift away in the frozen hell, the light from the hidden sun trying to find its way to me, but I was to far deep in the abyss of the lake. I sank until the cold water washed me away. I died. I saw myself dead. I was dead. I wanted to die and I did, but when I died, I didn’t want to be dead anymore. I wanted to live. I wished I would’ve kicked. I wish I would’ve fought”. She throws her arms in the air above her, as if she was reaching for a hug from the sky she faced, “a Man jumped into the water, brought my lifeless body to the surface, he was a doctor to, he shocked me, the electricity flowing through my veins. He tried to save me, but at this point It was my turn. No medical miracle could save me now, I had to save myself now. So I cried. I begged for for a second chance. I fought. I kicked.” a tear rolls down her face “I lived, I searched for a miracle. I searched for some ray of hope that my life would be better. That I could move past this. So I Lived. I lived. I was Loved. I was cared for, someone cared. Some. one. cared. But now, I want to die again. This dream, was it for me, it saved me, but I was afraid of death back then. Now It’s a fear that I have faced over and over again. David was that doctor who saved me, and now he’s the boy who tricked me in the water in the first place.

The cheese broke my heart (lyrics) By Elizabeth Amara

Funny Story… This song was written for a video game called “Transformice”. Go check it out sometime, It will surely give you a laugh.

The Cheese broke my Heart

~Chorus~

The cheese broke my heart,

when it ran away from me

The cheese broke my heart,

when I watched it flee

The cheese broke my heart,

when it ran away from me

The cheese broke my heart

when I watched it flee

~Verse one~

I never thought it be so hard to get to you,

I was struggling, falling, and crying

Cause all i wanted was you

I’ll even risk my life to!

We never thought it be so hard to get to you

We were laughing, dancing and sighing

Cause all we wanted was you

We all die going after you!

~Chorus~

The cheese broke my heart,

when it ran away from me

The cheese broke my heart,

when I watched it flee

The cheese broke my heart,

when it ran away from me

The cheese broke my heart

when I watched it flee

~Verse two~

I never thought it be so hard to catch you

I was running, jumping and sliding

Cause all i wanted was you

You just smelled so good

We never thought it be so hard to catch you

We were hopping, ducking and walking

Cause all we wanted was you

You are just so good

~Chorus~

The cheese broke my heart,

when it ran away from me

The cheese broke my heart,

when I watched it flee

The cheese broke my heart,

when it ran away from me

The cheese broke my heart

when I watched it flee

Bridge

You were so high, I could barely see you

You were so high, I could barely smell you

You were so mine, as I get over this cliff

You were so mine, when I got you as a gift

Mr. cheese, why did you did hurt me?

Mr. Please, all I wanted was something yummy

Cheese, why did you break my heart?

Cheese, why did you leave from the start?

~Chorus~

The cheese broke my heart,

when it ran away from me

The cheese broke my heart,

when I watched it flee

The cheese broke my heart,

when it ran away from me

The cheese broke my heart

when I watched it flee

In the middle of the night (Song Lyrics) By Elizabeth Amara

In the middle of the night

Verse One

You can never imagine, what feel for you

You can never understand, why I feel the way I do

I dream about you, every night in my sleep

I dream about us, and what we could be.

~Chorus~

In the middle of the night, I’ll dream of you tonight,

and my heart beats stronger for you.

In the middle of the day, I’ll pretend i’m ok,

even though I know it’s not true

In the middle of the night, I’ll pretend I’m alright,

my heart beats stronger for you

In the middle of the day, I’ll pretend we’re ok,

even though I know it’s not true.

Verse two

They can never feel the love, that I have for you

They can never see, what I see in you

Can we ever be close, even if we’re far?

Can we ever go back, to they way we were before.

~Chorus~

In the middle of the night, I’ll dream of you tonight,

and my heart beats stronger for you

In the middle of the day, I’ll pretend i’m ok,

even though I know it’s not true

In the middle of the night, I’ll pretend i’m alright,

my heart beats stronger for you

In the middle of the day, I’ll pretend we’re ok,

even though I know it’s not true.

Oh..

In the middle of the night,

I’ll pretend i’m alright

~Chorus~

In the middle of the night, I’ll dream of you tonight,

and my heart beats stronger for you

In the middle of the day, I’ll pretend i’m ok,

even though I know it’s not true

In the middle of the night, I’ll pretend i’m alright,

my heart beats stronger for you

In the middle of the day, I’ll pretend we’re ok,

even though I know it’s not true.

A+ Gods hear my prayer.

As I get my brand new assignment which was supposed to be given to me on Monday night, but wasn’t given to me until Wednesday night, I was quickly reminded on Thursday night that sleep simply does not exist. So I start analyzing that random Haydn piece from that one class that makes me do these kinds of things, and complain to myself how I have no idea what I’m doing and I honestly feel like falling down some stairs would give me less stress then this. On to the next day when this assignment is due, I start to realize that, that one question that asks me “Identify what parts you had trouble with or found problematic” I wrote a longer paragraph then the other questions, because honestly my notes were of no help and well emailing the teacher was just out of the question. I would love to blame procrastination, but well… It really had nothing to do with him. So for now I will pray to the A+ Gods and hope that they will bless me, so good night… or morning..